


All Your Fault

by rainbowchristy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Child Neglect, Depression, M/M, Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-19 03:35:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22904521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowchristy/pseuds/rainbowchristy
Summary: Dan’s depressed and decides he needs to tell his mother. Nothing will get better otherwise, right?A/N: I did a similar thing to Dan last week, luckily my mother reacted better than his did. This is what my mind kept saying would happen though so I decided to turn it into a fic.
Relationships: Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	All Your Fault

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Neglectful parents, child abuse, depression, suicide.
> 
> I know it's been a long time since I've posted, I'm sorry. I've had writers block for basically the past month and a half so writing has been a real challenge. When I have been able to write, I've been working on my fic for the Klance Reverse Bang which I'm a part of so even though I have been writing, I haven't been able to post it.
> 
> In the 'continuation of Some Reasons Why' post thingy, I mentioned a fic that was in the works. This is not that fic. That fic is still in the works and will hopefully be posted soon. I don't know when the next chapter for Some Reasons Why will be out, hopefully soon. I apologize.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy the fic.

Dan wouldn’t say his parents were abusive, it’s more that they were neglectful. They never hit him or hurt him, they ignored him instead.

If he wanted a meal, he had to make it himself. If he needed a lift somewhere, tough luck, he was walking. Needed a signature for school? He’d have to forge it himself. He basically lived alone; he’d rather live alone in all honesty.

_“Mum, can you sign this for me?” Dan asked, holding out a slip of paper that he needed signed to go on a school excursion._

_His mother had continued to wash up. “Mum?” His mother didn’t acknowledge him. Sometimes she’d do that but it was usually when he’d done something wrong. Dan couldn’t think of anything he did wrong. He pretty quickly realised she wasn’t going to help so he forged her signature and went back to his room. It’s not like she’d notice he was missing that night when he was at the school sleep out anyway._

Dan pulled himself back to the current day as Phil looked at him with a worried expression. “Are you okay, Dan?” he asked.

“Hmm? Oh, I’m alright. You were saying?”

“I wasn’t saying. What’s up?”

“I’m fine, promise.”

“Okay, we should probably head inside anyway. Class starts in a few minutes.” Something about the way Phil spoke told Dan he didn’t believe him. Dan didn’t blame him; Phil knew him better than he knew himself. He could often see Dan getting upset before he even noticed his own heartbeat quickening.

When Dan got home, he closed the front door quietly behind him and walked upstairs, getting out his textbook to start his English homework.

He’d been thinking a lot lately. He knew he was depressed. He knew he wasn’t “fine” as he’d told Phil. He knew he wasn’t “alright” when he cried himself to sleep every night. He knew he wasn’t supposed to spend hours thinking of how much better the world would be without him.

Picking up his phone, he hiccuped and pressed the call button.

“Hey,” Phil’s soothing voice said.

Dan quickly found there was something stuck in his throat. He managed to choke out something resembling Phil’s name though. Phil caught on pretty quickly.

“Hey, Dan. Are you okay? What’s going on?”

“I’m going to tell my parents,” was all Dan said. Phil knew what that meant.

“Are you sure? I’m not going to talk you out of it but I want to make sure your ready.”

“Yes, I’m sure. I can’t live like this anymore, Phil. I need them to know.”

“Okay. Remember that I’m here though. I’m only a call away. And if you need to get out of the house afterwards, call me and I’ll come get you. We can come back to my house.”

“Thanks, Phil. I’m-I’m gonna go tell Mum now. Bye, Phil.”

“Good luck. I love you, don’t forget that.”

“I love you too, thanks.” Dan hung up and sighed a long, cleansing sigh. Standing from his bed, he realised he was shaking all over.

“Mum?” he called, stepping slowly down the stairs to procrastinate the inevitable conversation.

“What do you want?” she asked as Dan appeared in the kitchen.

“I, um, I wanted to talk to you.”

“Well spit it out then.” She was still facing away from him.

“Can you look at me, please?” She huffed, showing she was annoyed, and looked up from her laptop.

“Yes?”

“I, um, I think I’m depressed.” Dan was looking at the ground, trying not to discourage himself from continuing. “I’m unhappy all the time and I can’t deal with it anymore. Most nights, I cry myself to sleep, thinking of ways to-to die. I don’t want to live anymore and I don’t know what to do about it.” Dan paused, trying to think of what else to say. 

There was so much to say but Dan couldn’t articulate any of his thoughts into words. He didn’t have to though. He looked up as he heard the chair his mother was sitting on scrape against the wooden floor and he saw the anger in her eyes.

She walked around the table she was sat at and did something she’d never done before. She slapped him, hard. Dan’s hand flung up to his face to cradle his cheek which was screaming at his mind to fix the pain.

“Don’t fucking joke about those kind of things. They are very serious and should never be joked about. You know my mother committed suicide when I was young, how dare you make jokes about it!” She paused, hitting him again. “I can’t fucking believe you. You’re a disgusting excuse for a son. Go to your room, I don’t want to see you.”

“Mum, please. I’m not joking. I can’t-I can’t handle how you and Dad treat me. I need hel-” Dan was cut off by another swift slap from his mother. Stepping out of reach, he let his tears fall freely.

“Get the fuck out of my sight. This is not something you should ever fucking joke about. Now go to your room!” Dan flinched backwards as his mother’s hand swung through the air one more time before he ran to his room, slamming the door behind him and locking it.

He looked over to his desk, seeing the mess of papers from school on his desk. Among those pages, was his letter to his mother. He wrote it thinking he wouldn’t be able to say any of what he’d just said out loud.

_‘I don’t know if you’ll believe any of this but I’m depressed. And suicidal. You and Dad hurt me so much when you ignore me and I can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to live.’_ Dan stopped reading as his tears spilled onto the page.

Snatching his pen, he ripped another page from his workbook and began writing. This would be the last thing he ever wrote, it had to be articulate. His parents had to know it was them who drove him to this point.

_‘This is what happens when you don’t listen to your only child, Mum. This is what happens when you ignore your only kid for almost all of their life. This is what happens when you say I’m joking when I say I’m depressed._

_I hope you realise this is entirely your’s and Dad’s fault. No one else’s. No one but Phil cared about me but no one else was_ supposed _to care. You were supposed to care. You’re my mum, you should care. Why didn’t you care about me?_

_I’m sorry for doing this but I did try to help myself. After your own mother killed herself when you were a kid, you’d think you would be more sensitive to things like this. But I guess not. I guess you never really knew how to deal with it. You were only seven when it happened after all. But you understand what happened now. Why couldn’t you understand it was happening to me?_

_I’ll leave you with this now. There isn’t anything more to say. I still love you, even after everything you’ve done. I hope you love me too even though I don’t remember you ever saying it. Goodbye Mum, I love you.’_ Dan signed off and grabbed his phone.

‘ _Bye Phil. I love you more than you could ever know.’_ He pressed send and stood up on the chair. He fastened the rope around his neck as his phone lit up.

‘ _Dan? What’s going on? Are you okay? You’re scaring me.’_ Dan ignored his message. He just let tears fall from his eyes as he burned the memory of his room into his eyes.

_‘Dan? Please reply. Are you safe?’_ Phil messaged a few seconds later as Dan sighed. This was it. _‘I’m coming over. Please be okay.’_

Dan let his eyes leak freely as he kicked the chair out from under his feet. Taking his last breath, he whispered “I love you, Phil. Don’t forget that.”

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! Feedback/Constructive criticism is always welcome!
> 
> Check out my tumblr if you’re interested in more —> https://fadingcrystalvoid.tumblr.com/


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